How do you know what’s wrong when you don’t know what’s wrong?

Posting this freakin long-ass post here just to get it off my chest.

Over the past, oh, six months, I have become very restless in my life. I feel like I am MISSING my calling. I don’t know what that even means, but it’s a nagging feeling. I think part of it is that I had my daughter very young (19) and there are things that I wanted to do, and had planned to do, that I didn’t do because I went into mommy mode. My choice.

I did go and get a professional certificate and I did work, but I never went to college like I was supposed to (in my mind). I even had a bit of a scholarship that I let slip through my hands because before I could enroll in college I was pregnant with very little support. School would have meant child care for me, which at the time, I couldn’t afford and would have had to work full time AND go to school full or even part time…yadda yadda blah…

I got married to a very stable guy and I love him and he totally adores me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I married him partially because he was stable and safe and I needed that. That’s okay, right? Was I madly in love when we got married? Not really, but I did/do LOVE him. Does that make sense? Anyway, I guess I couldn’t think of a reason NOT to get married, and I definitely wanted to have a stable family for my DD.

A few years into our marriage, I wanted another baby and we had DS. I went into super-hyper mommy mode then. My DD was in 2nd grade when he was born and I had the time and the stay at home status to be the very best AP mommy I could be, LOL. I loved breastfeeding and I loved being “attached”. BUT…I feel as if I spent those years so totally engrossed in mommyhood that now that my son is in kindergarten all day and I have NO children at home, I have nothing left for me.

I know that I am not “too old” to find out what I want to be when I grow up, but I am also not getting any younger.

I’ve been an event planner for an International organization for the past several years, and I know that I can use that skill set on my resume and I have. I get lots of calls about it because they search it out on Monster.com, but they almost ALL want at least 25-40% travel if not more. That is a REALLY well-paying, marketable skill that I cannot.freaking.use right now to make money and it bugs me.

I have spoken with the guidance counselor at the local community college and am still not sure what path I would take if I went to school. See, I would make so much more doing what I already know, and school seems sort of (gasp) a waste, but of course school might get me into a more traditional field where I would work (yawn) 9 to 5 so that I am not away from home more than necessary.

Then what? What happens when both of my kids are out of the house altogether one of these days? How far do you go to put your kids ahead of yourself…always? I am so confused with this now.

I also feel a bit resentful that my DH gets sort of an attitude when I talk about wanting to travel to places I haven’t been…ALONE. I realize that we are a family and I realize that I am married, but there are a lot of freaking places that I want to see and experience on my own terms. Not based on what HE wants to do, not based on what the KIDS want to do…JUST ME. I know that’s a hell of a lot to ask for, but man, why do I feel so guilty for wanting things for me me me?

A lot of this goes along with everything else that has been going on with me recently, I just don’t know what this feeling is exactly.

Good news is that I’ve been going to a therapist, but we’ve been working on trying to get out of crisis mode with my daughter, so we haven’t touched on this a whole lot yet.

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