This is so hard. I’m sad.

Things have gotten very difficult at my house. My DD is doing marginally better already in school, but her behavior and anger toward me has seemed to increase and I worry that she really is very depressed. I have been trying to get a referral to a good child psychologist or family therapist, but this small town shit sucks. I don’t know who in the nearby big cities yet, either.

I basically feel like I have failed my daughter and that I am really not much use to her now because I am basically totally frozen not knowing what to do next. Because I can hardly focus on anything but her, my son doesn’t get much from me, either. I just haven’t felt this depressed and so much anxiety in a long time. I have a call in to a couple of therapists maybe to get through this time, and hope to get in somewhere soon. Sure, I could get my doctor to put me back on Zoloft (which I was on with PPD after DS), but we have problems that I need to be completely emotionally present for right now and I never felt like I was on Zoloft. Things evened out, but mostly flatlined. I cry almost daily because I feel so powerless and so depressed that I don’t know if I can help her.

To make matters worse, my cat has never gotten better for all of the things I have tried (allergy eliminations, etc) and continues to scratch herself up to infection. We finally had no choice but to get her declawed, and she is in there today getting that done, which makes me so so so sick to my stomach. Yes, she’s an inside cat, and yes, we have to stop her from being able to really hurt herself, but I never in a zillion years thought I’d agree to letting them do this to my cat. My heart hurts over it…and she’s a cat.

I am just in a really, really bad place right now and I guess I just cannot see the light just yet.

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